even my psychiatrist says i feel a lot. other peoples feelings. the ones they keep bottled up. i feel them so intensely that i shed tears and my heart feels heavy. she says its a good thing that everyone doesn’t have. i told her to help me figure out how not to make that affect my everyday. switching thoughts seems like the solution, right?
this is a cold war do you know what you fighting for ?
this is my 4th entry since last year. i straight stopped writing in here which makes sense i guess. I clearly used this as a tool to express my inner most personal thought without feeling shame or judgement. Going back and reading some of my entries makes me want to delete them. I think im going to leave them though so I can remember that I can literally change my life based on what I think and believe. Ive shifted my thoughts and my time spent. stayed inspired.
I didn’t get to seclude myself to an island off grid somewhere. Or study shaolin on mountain tops, to master self, to be on some wutang shit like i imagined it would be like. Instead, its happening right where i am because its inevitable. I move with higher power. knowknow
feels like i pretty much rediscovered my faith in the God in me. in we.
i decided to shift my paradigm again because I dont feel like crying anymore. Im slowly but surely changing my thought. Im connecting to my higher self. Im beginning to finally learn to depend on myself. To love myself. To learn to be ok with myself. My love is strong for them but must be stronger for myself. ya dig? its got to be that way first and always.
Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to see the way back to the top.
I been around the sun too many times now to not understand this.
Im Still Not Jaded.
Im building my empire and no one is going to change my mind. I release all doubt. I am of the chosen golden million dollar babies and im changing my life.
Green eyes like green highs your expression sings sighs
i wish only the best, those green eyes have seen depth
seen into my eyes peered into my soul
felt my winter cold.
The independence of my independence depends on my patience?
but whats the formula? im about to quit it and lurk the night like dracula and say, who wit it? intuition at the wheel. turn left or tight? whats the deal? questioning my own existence. admiring the beauty from a distance. a distant place dream world persistent when quitting isn’t quitting but a step to move forward. i been talking too much for too long. expectation high but my motivation is too low. forgot that this shit is all mental and devils talking straight droppin off memos. shit. fuck.
I CRIED FOR LIKE TWO HOURS IN MY BEDROOM FLOOR LAST NIGHT. I HAVEN’T FELT PAIN LIKE THAT SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER LIVING WITH MY PARENTS. I NOW AM AN ADULT AND LIVING WITH MY PARENTS FOR A MONTH NOW. I WONDER TO MYSELF, WILL THIS FEELING EVER CHANGE? I PRAY IT DOES.
LAST NIGHT I WENT TO BED BY 10PM. WOW THAT IS REALLY EARLY FOR MY TYPE. MY MIND AWOKE AT 5 AM-ISH WHILE THE SKY WAS STILL DARK. I COULD HEAR MY DADDY’S ROSTERS AND THE WIND BLOWING HARD. I LAY THERE THINKING ABOUT THE DREAM I JUST HAD. THERE WERE A LOT OF CAMEOS IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. SOME OF PEOPLE I’VE NEVER EVEN MET JUST THROUGH THE INTERNET BUT MOSTLY WITH PEOPLE FROM MY PAST. I ALSO GOT MY FINGER BIT BY A CRAB AND GOT TO SOAR THROUGH THE SKY WITH ONE OF THOSE HUMAN FLYING KITE JOINTS. I FELT LIKE DORA THE EXPLORER FOR SOME REASON.
ANYHOW, I LAY THERE WITH MY EYES KINDA OPEN. I BEGAN TO MUMBLE PRAY. I ASKED GOD TO PLEASE HELP MY MOTHER. SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE PAIN SHE CAUSES ME. I THOUGHT BY THIS TIME SHE WOULD REALIZE I LEFT HOME AT 18 BECAUSE SHE WAS TOXIC TO MY LIFE. SHE IS NOT LOOKING FOR HELP AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME SADDEST. BECAUSE SHE WILL LIVE AND DIE AND NEVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO TRULY BE HAPPY TO FEEL TRUE JOY. MY MOTHER DOESN’T HAVE A ALCOHOL OR DRUG PROBLEM, HER PROBLEM IS THAT SHE NEVER HEALED HERSELF FROM HER PAST AND SHE IS LIVING WITH THAT PAIN. I CAN SEE THAT PAIN EVERYDAY WHEN SHE SCREAMS AND YELLS AND CANT COMMUNICATE CLEARLY AND WITH LOVE WITH HER OWN FAMILY. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO LEAVE HER AGAIN BUT ITS HARD WHEN SHE DOESN’T LISTEN TO ME. I COMMUNICATE WITH HER ABOUT HER SICKNESS BUT SHE IS IN DENIAL.
I CANT LOOK AT HER EYES THESE DAYS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. I FEEL SORRY FOR HER AND I FEEL HER PAIN. I DONT KNOW IF SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT I HAVE DONE A LOT I MEAN A LOT OF SELF HEALING TO REMOVE THE PAIN SHE INSTILLED IN ME AS A CHILD.